Anxious-Avoidant vs. Dismissive-Avoidant: Understanding the Differences

Anxious-Avoidant vs. Dismissive-Avoidant: Understanding the Differences

In the realm of attachment theory, two attachment styles that often get confused are the anxious-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant styles. Both fall under the umbrella of avoidant attachment, but they manifest in very different ways. Understanding these styles can help improve relationships and emotional well-being, whether in romantic partnerships, friendships, or family dynamics. This blog post will explore the key differences between anxious-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant attachment styles, helping you identify them and understand their impact on relationships.

‍

What Is Attachment Theory?

Attachment theory, originally developed by psychologist John Bowlby, explores the bonds formed between children and their caregivers and how these early experiences influence relationships throughout life. There are four main attachment styles that develop based on early caregiver interactions:

1. Secure: Healthy and balanced attachment with trust and communication.
2. Anxious: Preoccupied with fears of abandonment, often seeking constant reassurance.
3. Avoidant: Tends to distance themselves from others and may avoid vulnerability.
4. Disorganized: A combination of anxious and avoidant behaviors, often resulting from trauma or inconsistent caregiving.

Within the avoidant category, we can distinguish between two subtypes: anxious-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant. While both involve difficulty with intimacy, they each cope with it differently.

‍

Anxious-Avoidant Attachment: The Push-Pull Dynamic

People with an anxious-avoidant attachment style often experience a push-pull dynamic in relationships. On the one hand, they crave closeness and intimacy. On the other hand, they fear being overwhelmed or suffocated by it. This inner conflict can create a cycle of desire for connection followed by a retreat when intimacy becomes too intense or uncomfortable.

Key Characteristics:

• Fear of intimacy: Although they want close relationships, they fear being emotionally overwhelmed, causing them to pull away.
• Overwhelming emotional needs: People with this style often have deep emotional needs but may struggle to express them in healthy ways, creating frustration.
• Inconsistent behavior: They may appear clingy at times, seeking reassurance and affection, but then quickly retreat or withdraw when the relationship feels too intense.
• Unpredictable reactions: This style can sometimes trigger anxiety in their partners because their behavior can swing dramatically from needy to distant.

Anxious-avoidant individuals often find themselves in relationships where they feel caught between the desire for closeness and the need for space, leading to confusion and emotional turmoil.

‍

Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment: The Emotional Distance

In contrast, individuals with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style typically avoid emotional intimacy altogether. They tend to prioritize self-sufficiency and independence, often downplaying or disregarding the importance of relationships. While they may still seek relationships, they tend to keep a significant emotional distance to maintain control.

Key Characteristics:

• Emotional detachment: Dismissive-avoidant individuals avoid emotional closeness by being distant, sometimes appearing aloof or cold.
• Self-reliance: They have a strong desire to maintain independence, often seeing themselves as better off alone or without the emotional dependency of others.
• Difficulty expressing vulnerability: Vulnerability and emotional sharing are seen as weaknesses, and they avoid situations where they might be required to open up.
• Dismissive of emotional needs: They may ignore or dismiss their partner’s emotional needs, finding them burdensome or unnecessary.

For people with this attachment style, vulnerability in relationships feels threatening, and their coping mechanism is to shut down emotionally rather than engage.

‍

The Key Differences Between Anxious-Avoidant and Dismissive-Avoidant

While both attachment styles fall under the avoidant umbrella, the core difference lies in how they cope with emotional intimacy:

Emotional Approach:

1. Anxious-avoidant: Torn between the desire for intimacy and the fear of being overwhelmed by it. This results in fluctuating behavior—sometimes needy, sometimes distant.
2. Dismissive-avoidant: Prefers emotional distance and avoids intimacy altogether, often appearing indifferent or emotionally unavailable.

Vulnerability:

1. Anxious-avoidant: Feels vulnerable and fears rejection but often seeks reassurance and connection, even while avoiding it.
2. Dismissive-avoidant: Avoids vulnerability by shutting off emotions and distancing themselves from others.

Relationship Dynamics:

1. Anxious-avoidant: Can create a chaotic or unstable dynamic in relationships, as they oscillate between seeking closeness and pushing it away.
2. Dismissive-avoidant: Tends to keep relationships at arm's length, showing little interest in deep emotional connection and often avoiding discussions about feelings.

Emotional Needs:

1. Anxious-avoidant: Desires emotional closeness but struggles to maintain it without feeling overwhelmed. They might feel frustrated when their needs aren't met.
2. Dismissive-avoidant: Has little interest in meeting emotional needs, either their own or others', as they prefer independence over connection.

How These Attachment Styles Affect Relationships

Both anxious-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant attachment styles can cause stress and difficulty in relationships, but they do so in different ways.

• Anxious-Avoidant Relationships: These relationships can feel like a rollercoaster ride—intense and filled with ups and downs. Partners may feel confused or rejected, as the anxious-avoidant individual can switch from needing attention and reassurance to pulling away without warning. This unpredictability can create an unstable and emotionally draining dynamic.
  
  
• Dismissive-Avoidant Relationships: Relationships with a dismissive-avoidant person tend to feel emotionally distant. The dismissive-avoidant partner may be perceived as cold, uninterested, or disconnected, and their reluctance to engage emotionally can make it difficult to form a deep, intimate bond. This can lead to feelings of neglect or frustration for the other person.
  
  

Healing and Moving Toward Security

Recognizing and understanding your attachment style (and your partner's) is an important first step in addressing these issues. Therapy, especially emotionally focused therapy (EFT) or cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), can help individuals work through attachment-related challenges. Building emotional regulation, developing healthier coping mechanisms, and learning to communicate openly can help reduce the push-pull dynamic and create more stable, secure connections.

For those with anxious-avoidant tendencies, the goal is to work through the fear of intimacy while learning to express needs in a healthy way. For dismissive-avoidant individuals, developing the ability to tolerate vulnerability and engage emotionally is key.

In relationships, cultivating patience and understanding from both partners can make a world of difference. With time and effort, it is possible to move toward more secure attachment patterns and build deeper, more fulfilling relationships.

‍

Understanding The Differences

The differences between anxious-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant attachment styles lie in how individuals respond to emotional closeness and vulnerability. While the anxious-avoidant person may feel torn between wanting intimacy and fearing it, the dismissive-avoidant person often shuts down emotions altogether. Understanding these patterns is essential in relationships and personal growth. With self-awareness and therapy, it’s possible for both individuals to heal and develop healthier, more secure attachment styles.

‍

Grouport Offers All Kinds of Therapy Options

Grouport Therapy provides online group therapy, individual therapy, couples therapy, family therapy, intensive outpatient program, teen therapy, and a DBT-Self Guided Program. All our sessions are therapist-led, held virtually, and meet over video chat at the same time each week.All our sessions are therapist-led and are held virtually and meet over video chat at the same time each week. For group therapy, we have groups on many topics including Dialectical Behavior Therapy "DBT", Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Anxiety & Depression, Trauma & PTSD, Anger Management, OCD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Relationship Issues, Divorce, Narcissistic Abuse, Self-Compassion, Grief & Loss, Parenting, Substance Abuse, Supporting A Loved one with BPD, among others. Each group is led by a licensed therapist that typically has over a decade of experience treating a wide range of specialties, and the group meets at the same time each week for an hour with the same members and therapist.
‍

As reported by our members, 70% experienced significant progress within 8 weeks, including reduced anxiety & depression symptoms.
‍

Our care coordinators can help assist you to craft the perfect treatment plan for you that's tailored to your needs. We provide speedy matches to quality care, and also provide the flexibility to switch your therapist or group at anytime ensuring that you're always meeting with the right therapist fit at a time that's convenient for your schedule. Whatever type of therapy you’re seeking, Grouport offers a range of options to suit your schedule and preferences. Explore our programs to find the support you need. If you need help finding the right type of therapy, schedule a free call with a care coordinator here.

‍